The Cylon's Demise
by Andy Brown
| TOP SECRET - RESTRICTED ACCESS LEVEL 9 |
Whilst
on routine patrol, the Federation starship "USS Mr Whippy", encountered a field
of twisted metal and debris. A level one scan revealed an object in the center
of unknown origin. A small metal cylinder, was beamed aboard and rushed to the
nearest Federation star base for research.
After months of research, the object was opened with a tin opener and identified as a flight recorder and personal log of Cylon origin.
What follows is the contents of the captain's log (one Centurion Anvil the 3rd). Until this log fell into our hands, we knew very little about the Cylon race. Federation commentary has been inserted in some places. This is denoted by the following format :
Fed: <comment>].
Stardates are in Federation format as we have determined that due to the Cylons binary nature, they seem to operate on a "one day week", with one week to a month and one month to a year. This gives a date format that can be very confusing. We gather this is why Cylons do not entertain the concept of weekends.
Stardate 12/692:
This is the personal log of Centurion Anvil the 3rd. This log will track my personal actions as newly promoted captain of the Cylon's new flagship.
Stardate 12/693:
Position of captain of the Cylon flagship "D to A Converter" accepted. A captain's "personality" chip will be installed within my AI circuits by the ship's chief engineer tomorrow.
[Fed: We have learnt that all Cylon officers have a personality chip installed. Reason unknown.]
Stardate 12/694:
Whooooaaaaa!! This personality chip is like totally surfing man!!!!!
Stardate 12/695:
That's better. It has transpired that the chief engineer was beta testing a "surf dude" chip. I had him change it for a more "mainstream" one.
Stardate 12/696:
Took the "D to A Converter" out of space dock for her maiden voyage. The ship's chief scientist, Centurion Radiator Spot-weld, has equipped this Cat's Paw with all the latest Cylon technology, including a major leap in tractor beam design and the new "Big Daddy-o-mine", mine laying machine. Tests will begin tomorrow.
| Supplemental: | I had to see the chief engineer today due to nausea. [Feds: Robots get nausea???!!!]. I was informed that it's because I only have a single red eye that's constantly moving from one side of my face to the other. He suggested I move my head in the opposite direction so that my eye stays where it is. I was not amused. I've got his serial number marked. Who the hell designed us like this anyway? Not only do I get dizzy from my roving eye, I feel compelled to say "By Your Command" all the time. And to top it all we've been modeled on an ancient race of humans called the Romans who wore skirts!!! [further expletives removed] |
Stardate 12/697:
We reached our testing area this morning. Our first test is the new tractor beam. Our chief scientist has informed me that the tractor beam is based on a super conducting power magnet.
| Supplemental: | If one more Cylon says "By Your Command" to me, I swear I'll stuff him into a [expletive removed] torpedo tube and launch the [expletive removed] into [expletive remove] space!!! [even more expletives removed] |
Stardate 12/702:
[Feds: Note that five days have passed since last log entry]:
Tractor beam testing complete. We discovered one slight flaw in it's design. When activated, every single Cylon crew member is magnetically attracted to the ceiling! It has taken us two days to deactivate the tractor beam (due to being stuck to the ceiling), and a further three days to repair the crew that went hurtling towards the floor when it was deactivated. We will refrain from using the beam until this small problem has been rectified.
We will begin testing of the new mine-laying equipment tomorrow.
Stardate 12/703:
[Feds: Written text has been stopped at this point. What follows is a transcript of a recording from the bridge:]
| Weapons master: | "Sir, three hundred Hell Hammers have been loaded into the "Big Daddy-o-mine" mine layer. Awaiting your orders sir" |
| Captain: | "Excellent! Activate the "Big Daddy-o-mine" and lay a maximum yield mine field" |
| Weapons master: | "By your command" |
<strangled cry followed by sound of Cylon being fired from a torpedo tube>
| New Weapons master: | "Sir, a 200 light year mine field has been successfully laid" Captain: "Excellent! It actually worked! Well done Chief Scientist" |
| Helmsman: | "Sir, our scanners indicate that the "Big Daddy-o-mine" layer has malfunctioned" |
| Captain: | "Explain..." |
| Helmsman: | "Scanners report the mine layer has converted our Hell Hammers into thousands of toasters, coffee percolators, blenders and saucepans sir." |
| Captain: | "By the great Screw Driver! We will be the laughing stock of the galaxy. Activate mine sweeping NOW!" |
| Helmsman: | "By your comm.... Errr yes sir." |
| Helmsman: | "Sir, scanners have detected a ship of Privateer design de-cloaking. Sir, they are scooping up the luxury kitchen goods!" |
| Captain: | "I don't believe this." |
[Feds: This would explain the origins of the goods that those Privateers sold us three months ago!]
[Feds: Text log resumes:]
I have decided that we should return the "D to A Converter" to space dock for repairs and installation of more conventional equipment. [expletives removed]
We now have a vacancy for a new chief scientist.
Stardate 12/704:
Started journey back to starbase 287. Nothing to report. [expletives removed]
Stardate 12/705:
Had my personality chip re-tuned due to short temper and excessive swearing.
Stardate 12/706:
Having trouble getting up in the morning lately. As a result I have been late for duty on four occasions.
I keep getting a feeling of "deja vu". I think I keep rebooting....
I keep getting a feeling of "deja vu". I think I keep rebooting....
I keep getting a feeling of "deja vu". I think I keep rebooting....
[Feds: We have removed a further 215 pages of text similar to the above.]
Stardate 12/710:
I eventually managed to get to see the chief engineer about my rebooting. He
"took a look under the hood", sucked his teeth and said "Well it's this
particular model you see. It's always 'aving this problem. This model was renown
for starting problems. What you need is new plasma starter motor. Your Jeffries
Tubes are rusty as well."
"They are most certainly NOT", I replied with a metallic venom that would make
any lesser being quake in his armour.
"Coo, who was the last cowboy who did your panel beating???"
"YOU did!. When can you have me fixed?"
"I can 'ave you ready for errrm, a week on Tuesday?".
"Can't you do better than that?", I asked. "I am the captain!".
"Well it's the parts you see! Can't get 'em for luv nor money. Look, seeing as
it's you I'll 'ave a ring round some of the lads, but it'll cost ya a bit
extra."
Stardate 12/711:
We have an opening for a new chief engineer as the last one was "tragically and accidentally", converted into a power sander yesterday.
Stardate 12/712:
Returned to SB 287 to have our mine layer mended. I have been informed by our new chief engineer that the reversed flange sprocket spoke was aligned incorrectly with the two stroke sliding wangle return valve. Instead of converting our Hell Hammer torpedo's into a gargantuan mine field, it managed to produce 20,000 luxury electrical items. This has now been fixed and we are on our way out again.
Stardate 12/713:
Upon leaving space dock, our helmsman managed to clip our back end on the hanger doors. This resulted in the loss of 52 crew and our entire supply of 3 in 1 oil. Only threats of disassembly quelled the ensuing mutiny.
Boarded up the hole in the back with some 2 by 4.
There is now a vacancy for a new helmsman.
Stardate 12/714:
We have entered disputed space between the MIGHTY CYLON EMPIRE and the trivial weedy rebel scum excuse for a life form. We have had no contact as yet (although we did run into a space beaver that ate some of our ship's landing gear. We beamed it aboard, stuffed it, attached suckers to it's legs and stuck it on the rear window looking out. It looks nice! Gonna get some leopard skin seat covers next!
All hands are on Black Alert.
[Feds: It turns out that Cylons can only see in monochrome. Bridge crew are constantly confused by being ordered to go from "Black Alert" to, well, "Black Alert"!]
Stardate 12/715:
I was in the middle of waxing the top of my head, when a loud "Awoooga" noise emanated from some loudspeakers. Naturally thinking we where under attack, I ordered the bridge to give me a status report. I was then informed that the "Awoooga" alarm means our supplies of "Nurse McCreedy's anti- rust balm" are running low. Apparently, being under attack is indicated by a "Whooop Whooop" noise. Why wasn't I informed of this?
Stardate 12/716:
A loud "Whooop Whooop" alarm indicated that (this time), a rebel Falcon had just come out of Hyper space next to us. We launched the traditional Cylon "Hell Hammer" of peace but they just disappeared, leaving nothing but some twisted metal debris and a few floating bodies. No wonder we can't make peace with these people if they just blow up on us like that!
Stardate 12/717:
A quiet day today. We have had orders from Admiral Kettle-Flex to head for a particular planet in this sector. I must admit to feeling a certain amount of trepidation about this mission as the planet's name is:
"Certain-Death-Awaits-You-Here-Metal-Scum".
This planet will take us three days to reach, so I will use this time to consult my main advisors to see if they can find any reason why we shouldn't actually go there.
Stardate 12/718:
After two days of intensive research and discussion, my primary advisor, Centurion Chrome-Dome, has informed me that after extensive research in the Dynamic Load Library, neither he, nor any of the other advisors found any problem with our upcoming mission to the planet "Certain-Death-Awaits-You-Here-Metal-Scum". I now feel relieved.
[Feds: We have since learned that the Cylon AI chips have been improved!]
Stardate 12/719:
We are now within one hour of our destination. We have been ordered to stay out of orbit until further orders, so we are on standby.
As a precaution, we have stepped up from "Black Alert" to "Black Alert".
| Supplemental: | As a morale booster I have allowed the crew two nanoseconds of leisure time. |
Stardate 12/720:
Orders have finally come in. We are to orbit the planet on an Exploration Mission.
[Feds: Written text has been stopped at this point. What follows is a transcript of a recording from the bridge:]
<"Whooooop, Whooooop">
| Helmsman: | "Captain, three Rebel Moncalamari's approaching." |
| Captain: | "Black Alert! Prepare phasers and load torpedo tubes." |
| Weapons master: | "Torpedo's loaded, ready to fire." |
| Captain: | "FIRE!" |
<silence for a couple of seconds>
| Captain: | "I said FIRE!" |
| Cylon#3: | "Sir, he's had a 'Call to undefined dynalink' error. I think he's had a 'General Protection Fault' as well!" |
| Captain: | "Oh Sh......" |
[*** BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! ***]
This article was submitted by the Editor of the, now defunct, E-Zine
Planeteer Resurrection.
Other articles, fiction & humour from the Planeteer Resurrection have been
submitted to the "UK Atheist
& Science E-Zine